Today, I was in turmoil as to how to name my entries. If I keep starting with day 1, I will totally defeat myself when I start to retry. I am going to try to keep my Journey days as actual days, no matter what happens. This means today is day 8. I have been sober 5 out of 8 days. I can't say the days I drank were completely wasted, I am able to document some of the horrible things alcohol does to you
I finished the vodka yesterday. Today I feel like crap. My stomach is killing me. My hands are shaking but I wouldn't couldn't drink another drop of alcohol today if my life depended upon it. I have some house work I need to accomplish, hopefully I will feel better a little latter.
So here goes: Drinking Alcohol (poison)
1. damages your stomach
2. damages your liver
3. damages your relationships
4. damages your looks - I'm losing my hair.
5. damages your skin (I'm very dry skinned)
6. kills your time
7. hurts your work attendance and performance
8. hands shake
I think I will keep this list and add onto it when I find another bad thing that happens when you drink poison.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 30, 2018
Sober Queue Journey Day 6
Day 6:
Today I woke up feeling so guilty. About 3 years ago, on the day after drinking I would pour out the rest of the vodka. Apparently I'm past that stage. I decide to hurry up and finish drinking it so I can get back to being sober. Crazy isn't it?
I had taken a naltrexone more than 1 hour before I started drinking yesterday. I don't feel a high when I take naltexone, but I do feel relaxed. It doesn't block the body's natural response to alcohol it blocks the high only. It works, but I don't think it works for me. I'm not looking for the high, I like how alcohol makes me relax. I like how it puts me to sleep. I know others talk about how they don't sleep well when drinking but that isn't the case with me. I do wake up about 5 hours after but I fall back asleep easily. I truly need to rethink naltrexone.
I drank today to ease the pain in my stomach from the vodka and soda. When my stomach would begin to feel bad, I would drink more to camoflauge the pain. I go to bed early because the booze puts me to sleep. I get absolutely nothing accomplished today. I sleep and watch tv all day. A wasted day.
Today I woke up feeling so guilty. About 3 years ago, on the day after drinking I would pour out the rest of the vodka. Apparently I'm past that stage. I decide to hurry up and finish drinking it so I can get back to being sober. Crazy isn't it?
I had taken a naltrexone more than 1 hour before I started drinking yesterday. I don't feel a high when I take naltexone, but I do feel relaxed. It doesn't block the body's natural response to alcohol it blocks the high only. It works, but I don't think it works for me. I'm not looking for the high, I like how alcohol makes me relax. I like how it puts me to sleep. I know others talk about how they don't sleep well when drinking but that isn't the case with me. I do wake up about 5 hours after but I fall back asleep easily. I truly need to rethink naltrexone.
I drank today to ease the pain in my stomach from the vodka and soda. When my stomach would begin to feel bad, I would drink more to camoflauge the pain. I go to bed early because the booze puts me to sleep. I get absolutely nothing accomplished today. I sleep and watch tv all day. A wasted day.
Friday, December 28, 2018
Sober Queue Journey Day 5
Day 5 am
I must have forgotten to blog yesterday. I had a really great day. I actually replied to Clare Pooley's blog. I felt so alive to actually talk to her. It doesn't matter if she never replies, I had the courage to reply to her.
Today feels tough. I am feeling the pull of the booze broad very hard. I actually thought of another name for her, "the Vodka Vixen." She is whispering in my ear that I can drink a couple of drinks and be just fine. She also insists that I have gotten so much accomplished over the past few days, I deserve a break. The Vodka Vixen keeps whispering that I can always cut down again, what's the problem?
My brain knows one thing but that Vodka Vixen is really sneaky. Please God, help me through today.
Day 5 pm: I actually hate to post this but I went out and bought some vodka and yes, I drank. I am so ashamed. I gave in the to Vodka Vixen. I am going to bed very disappointed in myself.
I must have forgotten to blog yesterday. I had a really great day. I actually replied to Clare Pooley's blog. I felt so alive to actually talk to her. It doesn't matter if she never replies, I had the courage to reply to her.
Today feels tough. I am feeling the pull of the booze broad very hard. I actually thought of another name for her, "the Vodka Vixen." She is whispering in my ear that I can drink a couple of drinks and be just fine. She also insists that I have gotten so much accomplished over the past few days, I deserve a break. The Vodka Vixen keeps whispering that I can always cut down again, what's the problem?
My brain knows one thing but that Vodka Vixen is really sneaky. Please God, help me through today.
Day 5 pm: I actually hate to post this but I went out and bought some vodka and yes, I drank. I am so ashamed. I gave in the to Vodka Vixen. I am going to bed very disappointed in myself.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
Sober Queue Journey Ending Day 3
I can't believe it is almost the end of day 3. I got so much accomplished today, I truly did. I haven't gotten this much done in a month. But here's the catch 22. I feel I deserve a treat - you know, a well deserved treat. Four days ago it would have been a drink but I am home and do not feel like going out. How can I reward myself for getting so much done? I can take a bubble bath, I can eat a good supper, I can drink hot chocolate, I can eat some chocolate. I think I will work hard on expanding that list tomorrow. I need rewards I will enjoy.
In the past, even when I didn't drink regularly, I always knew if I didn't have my family I could easily have survived my life as a workaholic / alcoholic. Work hard all day and drink hard all night. The funny thing is when I did start drinking regularly, I found I couldn't work hard, I couldn't think clear enough and also didn't have the physical strength to work hard. Funny what our minds will conclude left on their own.
Suppertime. I think I will start with that and then see.
In the past, even when I didn't drink regularly, I always knew if I didn't have my family I could easily have survived my life as a workaholic / alcoholic. Work hard all day and drink hard all night. The funny thing is when I did start drinking regularly, I found I couldn't work hard, I couldn't think clear enough and also didn't have the physical strength to work hard. Funny what our minds will conclude left on their own.
Suppertime. I think I will start with that and then see.
Sober Queue Journey Beginning of Day 3
Just a quick note to myself. Instead of drinking I am going to accomplish some needed work I have been putting off, thinking I deserved break, a break to stay drunk all day and sleep. I can see now that if left undisturbed, I would easily drink myself to death.
Today, that is not going to happen.
Today, that is not going to happen.
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
Sober Queue Journey Day 2
Well, today started out with a waking up from a good nights rest. A warm bubble bath and then a great holiday with my sister's family and my own.
We had a wonderful time. Even I had a great time with no alcohol. Other's were drinking but I really wasn't tempted. My sister is a wonderful industrious person who is always busy and gives to others all the time. She makes me look like such a lazy sloth. I haven't had much time to spend with her lately, I had chosen to stay home and drink myself sorry or into oblivion. I am not her and honestly don't want to be, she seems to over achieve to make herself feel worthy. Though, her over activity isn't bad in and of itself, it drives me crazy that she feels in order to feel worthy, she has to outwork, out clutter, out give everyone. I drink to feel better, she over achieves. I guess that considering the outcome of both, she is one up on me.
Two year's ago, I chose to go to a 30 day rehab. I did enjoy it, but my folks at home, husband & family thought I was crazy. Again, it seems easier to continue drinking in private than to try to stop drinking. I loved the folks I met and felt I did learn more about myself. I lied to everyone other than family about where I was. Others at the facility had many visitors and it really seemed like they had support - I know, it always seems better looking in at the life of someone else, but it really seemed they did. They were of course mostly guys and younger at that. I'm sure that has something to do with it. I didn't want pity but I also didn't want to feel the shame that I felt wanting them to visit. Oh, well, such is life.
One moment at a time, one moment in time. That's all I have to survive. I can do this, I pray I really can.
We had a wonderful time. Even I had a great time with no alcohol. Other's were drinking but I really wasn't tempted. My sister is a wonderful industrious person who is always busy and gives to others all the time. She makes me look like such a lazy sloth. I haven't had much time to spend with her lately, I had chosen to stay home and drink myself sorry or into oblivion. I am not her and honestly don't want to be, she seems to over achieve to make herself feel worthy. Though, her over activity isn't bad in and of itself, it drives me crazy that she feels in order to feel worthy, she has to outwork, out clutter, out give everyone. I drink to feel better, she over achieves. I guess that considering the outcome of both, she is one up on me.
Two year's ago, I chose to go to a 30 day rehab. I did enjoy it, but my folks at home, husband & family thought I was crazy. Again, it seems easier to continue drinking in private than to try to stop drinking. I loved the folks I met and felt I did learn more about myself. I lied to everyone other than family about where I was. Others at the facility had many visitors and it really seemed like they had support - I know, it always seems better looking in at the life of someone else, but it really seemed they did. They were of course mostly guys and younger at that. I'm sure that has something to do with it. I didn't want pity but I also didn't want to feel the shame that I felt wanting them to visit. Oh, well, such is life.
One moment at a time, one moment in time. That's all I have to survive. I can do this, I pray I really can.
Monday, December 24, 2018
Sober Queue Journey Day 1
Well, it has been a whole day for me, 1 whole day, yeah! Nearing 60, a woman, and a whole lot of shame. I am almost finished reading "The Sober Diaries". How refreshing. I have tried and tried to go to AA - the support system seems so great but I am so embarrassed because no one knows and like Sober Mommy, I am ashamed to announce to the world that I have this issue. So it has been easier to drink secretly than to announce to the world that I'm a drunk.
Yesterday, I drank all day, the holidays and all and honestly had a swollen red face by the end of the day. I looked absolutely horrible. I hated drinking, got nothing good out of it, just chasing the old relaxation high that I really don't get anymore.
I do like some of the advice AA gives and I plan to try to take this one moment at a time.
I have decided that this is a journey so I renamed my blog to reflect this. While I don't want to drink, if I do, it will be an event on my journey to becoming sober.
Yesterday, I drank all day, the holidays and all and honestly had a swollen red face by the end of the day. I looked absolutely horrible. I hated drinking, got nothing good out of it, just chasing the old relaxation high that I really don't get anymore.
I do like some of the advice AA gives and I plan to try to take this one moment at a time.
I have decided that this is a journey so I renamed my blog to reflect this. While I don't want to drink, if I do, it will be an event on my journey to becoming sober.
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